Although my posts are primarily dream-related, I need to talk about something that has been eating away at me and culminated today.
When posting things on Facebook I’m likely to get much support, words of encouragement and lots of “hang in theres”. I have many people who are great at letting me know how wonderful they think I am and what an inspiration I am to them. I honestly don’t feel it though. It is one thing to support someone on social media. It is another thing to really empathize with someone, hold them as they let their feelings pour out of their heart onto your shoulder, and feel with them. Words of encouragement do little to get through to me unfortunately. I have started to feel even more alone in my journey through my depression, self-analysis and self-change.
I am currently working on losing 215lbs by July 2017. I was at 415lbs around Halloween and decided that it was time for a change. It is a slow, painful process that I am monotonously attempting to do. This morning I was at the gym with my workout buddy. She was off doing yoga while I eyed the shoulder press machine. As I sat down, I had to squeeze to fit. The machine was too tight and my hips hung over the edges of the seat. I leaned over to change the weight setting and the seat slammed down to the lowest setting because I was too heavy for it. I glanced around nervously hoping no one saw what happened. If they did, no one made eye contact with me. I set the machine it on one of the lightest settings and started pushing. I bit my lip struggling to do more than 10 reps at a time. The more I pushed the more I started realizing that I was getting a lump in my throat. I pushed and pushed as tears started welling up in my eyes. 40 reps in I had tears streaming down my face. I got up, cleaned off the machine and hurried into the locker room. Shielding my face, I grabbed my bag from the locker and hid in one of the dressing rooms. I sat there bawling into my towel for 10 minutes before gathering my self together and changing for work. I dried my eyes, brushed my hair and went out to meet my friend. She could tell something was wrong but I couldn’t talk about it for fear of breaking down again. “I’m just tired and need coffee” is my go-to answer. A true statement, but not a wholly complete excuse.
This journey feels impossible. I purposely set a goal that is attainable in 2 years. I am down 56lbs since Halloween. To lose the rest by 2017 I only have to lose 6-7lbs per month. That is very do-able. However I feel like I’m staring out at the Grand Canyon being told I need to make it to the other side. “We know you can do it!” is a lovely sentiment but I have no one who has made that journey before or who can make that journey with me now. I am alone in this. This is one of the scariest and hardest things I have ever done. I feel weak, helpless and lost. Quitting smoking, alcohol, drugs, etc. seem easier than quitting being fat. I am not downplaying the struggles of those suffering from addiction. I have seen how hard it is for people and I truly empathize. When quitting said substances, however, you can seclude yourself from those substances. You can go to rehab and make it a life choice to avoid situations where you could be influenced into going back to your old ways. You can’t quit food. You can change what you eat but you cannot avoid eating. You can’t go to a place where you won’t have temptation around. You can’t go “cold turkey” on cold turkey. A girl’s gotta eat.
I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want words of encouragement. I want faith in myself. I want to believe that I am capable of doing this. I want to not be ashamed of who I am anymore. I know it will only come with time and dedication but right now I’m staring at a frightening future and I am being crushed with self-doubt. The only thing I can do is keep doing what I’m doing and wait for results. I am on this journey alone with scores of supporters. All their support is only worth what I can believe from myself.
One day at a time.