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“Teach me how to kiss,” he said as he sat upon my couch. “Alright. Um, well, show me how you normally would kiss someone.” Needless to say, it was not up to par with what a conventional kiss would consist of. “Okay. This is what you need to know:

1. No fish lips. We are not walleyed bass nor are we Pac-Man here

2. Don’t be overly aggressive but don’t be made of marble either. A kiss should be sweet, soft, and enjoyable. Do not attack her mouth like you’re bobbing for apples. Let her come to you if you don’t know what type of kiss she wants. The way she kisses you will tell you what she wants.

3. Tongues are not necessary. Remember though, tongues take practice. Don’t assume that she is alright with it and just go for it. Ease into it if you are so inclined. Keep it to short increments during a make-out sesh though.  Don’t try to tickle her tonsils. Keep the bobbing for apples image in your mind’s eye. Your mouth should not be 100% open. This is not the dentist’s office.

4. Moist lips are nice, just don’t, don’t, DON’T slobber all over her!!! SWALLOW BEFORE YOU KISS PLEASE!!! Ick. And take out your gum. No one wants to be in a sweet amazing moment of passion and choke on Juicy Fruit.”

As I was teaching him the ins and outs of proper regular and french osculation -aka kissing- (which he picked up quite quickly I might add), my mother walked in. She started yelling about how I am a slacker and never make egg sandwiches. She threw a pre-made sandwich at me and told me to warm it up for her. I was offended at the rude interruption and briefly introduced my “student” to my mom as I stormed into the kitchen to warm up her food. When I returned to the living room I found my friend changing clothes. My mother was trying to give him a bra and blouse. I was mortified. I shooed her back to her room. My friend had decided to put on a pair of neon orange shorts reminiscent of a 70s basketball team. He was so happy at his “fantastic” find. I couldn’t tell him how incredibly wrong they looked on him. I simply smiled and escorted him out of my apartment complex. As I walked out the gate I stopped. To my astonishment there were thousands of bananas strewn about the lawn! Oh happy day! I knelt down…

Then I woke up to my stomach growling and the smell of French Toast being made in my kitchen. I can explain everything except the neon shorts…that is strange…